on sleeping

Before I had my baby people would tell me stories about how the first few months after you have your first child you can hardly sleep because they're in your bed and you just want to watch them breathe.  I did not understand this and was pretty adamant that I didn't want her in the bed.  HA!  I watched that baby breathe for months and months and she sure slept with us.  It felt natural and loving to have her next to me all the time.  Not to mention since I'm nursing it was the best way for everybody to get some sleep.  I'm talkin- we were all sleepin through the night in the second month!  Who can argue with that.  Papa and I would hold hands above her head with our little angel between us while we slept.  It was bliss.  

Then she grew.

Overnight my tiny baby became a small kid who preferred to sleep sideways and wake occassionally to kick Papa in the face many times.  This was not quite the bliss we had before. 

So as always, I turn to books.  I try to get a pretty diverse set of ideas gathered and figure out what works best for us.  I kept coming across (again) two basic ideas.

1.  Some parent choose to have alone time in the evening after they put the baby to bed.  This is the worst possible time to do this because your child needs you the most at night.  If you let her cry or be alone she will lose her trust in you- and probably not be able to easily trust anyone- ever again.  

(Well I don't want that do I?  What might someone else suggest?)

2.  If you don't let your baby cry sometimes and learn to sleep on her own then she will never ever be able to sleep on her own, or for that matter be independent.  Ever.  

Okay, so one way my child will be sleeping between me and Papa until we die while freely trusting the world, and the other way she will move out at 14 and be fearful of the world- trusting no one.

That's the thing about all this information available.  It doesn't just give ideas as much as it tell you all the ways in which you can completely ruin your poor child.  It kind of cracks me up.  Working with children who have been pretty messed up- usually by a caregiver- I know how important a good loving parental relationship is.  But I also know these decisions aren't going to send her straight to therapy.  If I'm wrong I guess the proof is here.  And for that matter we could probably all go spend some time in therapy talking about our mothers.  

Anyway.  We moved her to the crib in our room so she could stretch out but still see us.  It took a few nights and we comforted her whenever she cried.  Everything was wonderful.  

Until she discovered she could stand.

This was literally two weeks later.  Everytime she would rouse (about every few hours) she would immediately go about practicing this new skill, and upon seeing that mom and dad were there but not paying attention- scream at the top of her lungs.  

So we moved backwards and put her in the bed.  This no longer worked either because she would still wake up and want to try her new skills, crawling, pawing at our faces.  And no one was sleeping well.

Finally we moved her to her crib, in her own room.  Papa and I talk about all of these decisions and both try to use as much logic as possible.  That side of my brain knew everyone would sleep better with this arrangement.  But I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me a little sad.  So I prepared myself for a huge battle while she was learning to self soothe.

**Disclaimer:  Research on childhood development indicates that children under a year are not able to manipulate behavior.  So crying = I need something.  Until this point we have answered every cry.  The standing in the crib cry was an I want something cry.  Plus she wasn't sleeping well.  So we decided to change the game plan.  That is how we made this decision. **

Up until now I loathed the idea of letting her "cry it out."  It sounded absolutely horrible and traumatic for both of us.  But I had noticed that when I rub her little back when she's going to bed that she'll look at me and cry longer than if she lifts her head up and doesn't immediately see me.  Nonetheless I savored my baby thrashing in the bed time for a few more days and mentally prepared for the weekend which we had set for the transition.

Night one.  I'm ready.  I have a beer ready.  I'm nervous.  We do her whole bedtime routine (bath, book, nursing, bed).  Lay her down.  Pat her a little and walk out.  Two minutes later that child is fast asleep and doesn't wake till morning.

Jeez.

I guess this whole rambling is just to suggest that perhaps you aren't going to ruin your child.  Perhaps each child has different needs.  Perhaps these decisions are not catastrophic.  

Anyway, we ended up using "The N.A.P.S. plan" book.  It's written by a woman who studies adult sleeping patterns and advocates following the child's natural sleep rhythm.  When it comes to sleeping alone she offers several methods and always says "you know your child better than anyone, it's up to you." -which I enjoy.  

We're all sleeping.  In the end it turns out my baby sleeps best in the dark, in her own crib (turning sideways as she pleases), in her own room.  And she trusts that when she cries Mommy comes right on in.

Cheers to sleepin, 

Mama