My how things have changed. It almost seems like person I was before I became a mother is someone people have told me stories about. There are lots of ideologies about that statement. The basic two being:
*I should be faithful to who I am and be sure to hold on to my identity outside of being a mother
*I should place my sole focus on my child and in every action be thinking of it's impact on her
Both have career and general mindset implications. For me, I walk the middle ground, making sure to have drinks with friends and take healthy breaks from my child to keep me sane. (One cannot do the same thing ALL the time). I also identify myself strongly, if not primarily, as a mother. I know this may not resonate well with some feminist ideologies (mine being if feminism is limiting it does not help women *sidenote* me = proud feminist) but I am a mother. Always.
One of the more profound differences in my everyday life is at work. I work in a child psych ward. I have worked in this field for years and always maintained both empathy for clients and professional boundaries. I never got too caught up in case histories or too personal. Now in every face is my child. And every child I see as "somebody's baby" which is a much different perspective than "client." I often find myself having to run to the bathroom and change out my breast pads after reading a chart because my body literally wants to nurse these ailing children. At work I am an educated professional, that is the role I play. But I am never not a mother.
I have often likened having a baby to having my whole world turned upside down and shaken out, discarding all of the unnecessary and leaving me with only the important things. Which took out a lot of things. A lot.
It's as if a whole profound shift in thinking, in being occurred as that tiny baby emerged. Instantly. And here I'd been searching in books, travel and conversation for an epiphany like that for years. I'd never want to go back. It's been a blessing.
Other things have changed that are not of any importance really. But they've changed. And I noticed. They are as follows:
My breasts used to be. I stopped there searching for the best word and discovered the sentence stood alone.
They are now filled and then nearly emptied of milk on a regular basis.
When I "got them out" before it meant something all together different from "dinnertime"
And they may never look the same.
As a non-skinny type chick my breasts and my booty have always been points of pride as far as my body goes. I'm reluctantly noticing and diligently fighting off the appearance of the dreaded flat "mom ass." I noticed recently that my pants are falling off me. This is due, in part, to an effort to lose some baby weight. It is also due to the gradual flattening of my booty. I am doing crazy butt exercises. This is a battle I refuse to lose.
I have lost all touch with pop culture. I used to at least know what was on the top 40 charts, if only to scoff at them and prefer carefully considered "old school" or random music. The same goes for clothing. I find myself staring at people when I'm out and about, wondering if what they are wearing is in fashion. I have no idea.
I cannot drink. Not really. Not like I used to.
And I used to be a light weight.
My stomach features light purple lines that look like I may have been attacked by some kind of animal. I realize this will not change my wardrobe as I wasn't wearing midriff revealing tops before I got pregnant, but it is, nonetheless, a change.
I have no idea what I was doing with all of the time I must have had on my hands before I had a baby.
I just polished off too much "wine with dinner" and it's time to retire.
More soon, Mama
Thursday, April 23, 2009
One Mama's Perspective
Let me be ever so clear in saying as long as your mothering/parenting ideas include loving, safe, non abusive or neglectful practices I am on your side. I believe children need love, helpful boundaries/limitations and consistency. Mostly love. If you want to have an orgasmic birth in a pool in your backyard with a midwife while playing beck or via scheduled induction immediately followed by lipo; I can understand. I exist somewhere in the middle. My immediate family consists of conservative, right wing, Bill O'Reily loving Christians, as well as meditating, tree loving, body work involving listening to crystals utilizing, new age hippies. I love them all, and appreciate their perspectives, and yours, whatever that may be.
It seems that much of the information I come across regarding mothering is really far one way or the other. I like to think that considering many different ideas I may come to my own conclusions about what works for my little family and my little baby. However, it never ceases to amaze me how everyone from my in laws to the lady I run into in the produce isle at the grocery store has definitive demands to casually place upon me and my child.
It started when I got pregnant. As an avid pro-choicer and rejoicer in the rights of women; my belief is that my body is my temple and my own. If you know me, than you probably know this about me and would not tell me what to do with my body. That is, until, I got knocked up... Suddenly my body seemed to be the property of damn near everyone I came across. People were touching my belly whom had no reason to be in my personal bubble and constantly barking commands at me regarding breast feeding, what foods to eat, childcare vs staying at home... no topic was "too personal" because (you'd think) I was carrying the world's baby or the second coming.
There is a difference between offering personal antic dotes or advice and barking commands. Barking commands was the norm. Lots of "You have to ________." "I sure hope you are______"
I love a new perspective, I have no interest n your mandate.
I have been asked by future mama's I know for pregnancy advice. Here is what I would say:
Find a doctor/midwife/practitioner of some sort that you are comfortable and ask lots of questions. If you can't ask them questions comfortably; get a new one.
I really enjoyed the movie "The business of being born" -it helped me make some important decisions about my delivery. It does seem to advocate for home birth, but it is full of good information so even if you plan to deliver with all the drugs you can get in a fully stocked hospital you will be an informed consumer.
Listen to your body. There are lots and lots of books to read. I read lots and lots of them. Everything from the popular "The girlfriends guides" (which often mock drugless deliveries and occasionally breast feeding) to "What to expect" (which basically suggests you eat only vegetables or horrible things will happen to your baby). I found that if I payed attention to my body I would eat exactly what it needed, do a fair amount of exercise etc.
I mostly found that western medicine, as with most things, is a for profit machine. It provides wonderful technological advances and medical practices that save lives. It has also played a part in teaching women covertly but powerfully that we do not know our bodies as well as, say, an ultra sound might... and that we need hard and fast rules for everything. I really think if you are in tuned with your body, and honor it's needs, you'll be fine.
Educating yourself is always a plus.
Loving yourself = loving your baby.
Products:
I had morning sickness like crazy and Jamaican ginger ale was my saving grace.
Ginger tooth paste kept me from gagging while keeping up the hygiene.
Juice popsicles went down easy when I didn't think I could eat.
If you aren't having an epidural I found a birth ball to be an amazing tool during labor.
Lip gloss from bath and body works, with the peppermint taste and smell, also warded off nausea nicely.
Also, there are a few things no one seems to tell you.
-You will probably poop on the table when you're pushing. And you'll live.
-Your body swells up with water in the last weeks before you give birth to prepare for labor. So don't freak out when suddenly your toes are hiding behind your bread loaf feet; you're in the home stretch.
-It's okay to tune out negative people and things if you need to. It's probably a good idea.
-The exact moment you see your child may be the best moment of your life, or you may be in a bit of shock over what you have just been through. Either way, it will be wonderful.
-Everyone and no one will like what you plan to name your baby. Don't fret.
-You are completely and totally capable of making your own decisions about how to go about this baby delivering process
-The pain is real- and very manageable. Don't listen to horror stories if they scare you. Your body will amaze you, you can do it.
recommendations:
When someone touches your belly without your permission, touch their belly back. :)
And then I would say: Or disregard all of what I have said because it's up to you.
It seems that much of the information I come across regarding mothering is really far one way or the other. I like to think that considering many different ideas I may come to my own conclusions about what works for my little family and my little baby. However, it never ceases to amaze me how everyone from my in laws to the lady I run into in the produce isle at the grocery store has definitive demands to casually place upon me and my child.
It started when I got pregnant. As an avid pro-choicer and rejoicer in the rights of women; my belief is that my body is my temple and my own. If you know me, than you probably know this about me and would not tell me what to do with my body. That is, until, I got knocked up... Suddenly my body seemed to be the property of damn near everyone I came across. People were touching my belly whom had no reason to be in my personal bubble and constantly barking commands at me regarding breast feeding, what foods to eat, childcare vs staying at home... no topic was "too personal" because (you'd think) I was carrying the world's baby or the second coming.
There is a difference between offering personal antic dotes or advice and barking commands. Barking commands was the norm. Lots of "You have to ________." "I sure hope you are______"
I love a new perspective, I have no interest n your mandate.
I have been asked by future mama's I know for pregnancy advice. Here is what I would say:
Find a doctor/midwife/practitioner of some sort that you are comfortable and ask lots of questions. If you can't ask them questions comfortably; get a new one.
I really enjoyed the movie "The business of being born" -it helped me make some important decisions about my delivery. It does seem to advocate for home birth, but it is full of good information so even if you plan to deliver with all the drugs you can get in a fully stocked hospital you will be an informed consumer.
Listen to your body. There are lots and lots of books to read. I read lots and lots of them. Everything from the popular "The girlfriends guides" (which often mock drugless deliveries and occasionally breast feeding) to "What to expect" (which basically suggests you eat only vegetables or horrible things will happen to your baby). I found that if I payed attention to my body I would eat exactly what it needed, do a fair amount of exercise etc.
I mostly found that western medicine, as with most things, is a for profit machine. It provides wonderful technological advances and medical practices that save lives. It has also played a part in teaching women covertly but powerfully that we do not know our bodies as well as, say, an ultra sound might... and that we need hard and fast rules for everything. I really think if you are in tuned with your body, and honor it's needs, you'll be fine.
Educating yourself is always a plus.
Loving yourself = loving your baby.
Products:
I had morning sickness like crazy and Jamaican ginger ale was my saving grace.
Ginger tooth paste kept me from gagging while keeping up the hygiene.
Juice popsicles went down easy when I didn't think I could eat.
If you aren't having an epidural I found a birth ball to be an amazing tool during labor.
Lip gloss from bath and body works, with the peppermint taste and smell, also warded off nausea nicely.
Also, there are a few things no one seems to tell you.
-You will probably poop on the table when you're pushing. And you'll live.
-Your body swells up with water in the last weeks before you give birth to prepare for labor. So don't freak out when suddenly your toes are hiding behind your bread loaf feet; you're in the home stretch.
-It's okay to tune out negative people and things if you need to. It's probably a good idea.
-The exact moment you see your child may be the best moment of your life, or you may be in a bit of shock over what you have just been through. Either way, it will be wonderful.
-Everyone and no one will like what you plan to name your baby. Don't fret.
-You are completely and totally capable of making your own decisions about how to go about this baby delivering process
-The pain is real- and very manageable. Don't listen to horror stories if they scare you. Your body will amaze you, you can do it.
recommendations:
When someone touches your belly without your permission, touch their belly back. :)
And then I would say: Or disregard all of what I have said because it's up to you.
Welcome
I would like to tell you I am the best mom in the world. Except that I am not. I know I do my best everyday. Somedays; I wake up to my baby's sweet, angelic cries and cannot wait to swoop her into my arms and nurse her hungry little body while she gazes at Mommy the hero with "milk bags" (the items that used to be known as my breasts). Some days her cry does not sound like angels but rather like nails on a chalk board and mama just wants one more hour of sleep without a tiny person clinging to her body. Motherhood is the most rewarding, enjoyable, fulfilling experience of my life. I have never found anything to be more transforming. It is also the hardest job in the world. I plan to offer here some tales of motherhood, good and bad. Just a blog. Some ideas after the baby goes to sleep and the world is silenced. Perhaps I'll offer some ideas of things that have worked for me, but I will never give definative advice. To each his own. This one's mine. Welcome.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
