The (and improved) me

My how things have changed. It almost seems like person I was before I became a mother is someone people have told me stories about. There are lots of ideologies about that statement. The basic two being:

*I should be faithful to who I am and be sure to hold on to my identity outside of being a mother

*I should place my sole focus on my child and in every action be thinking of it's impact on her

Both have career and general mindset implications. For me, I walk the middle ground, making sure to have drinks with friends and take healthy breaks from my child to keep me sane. (One cannot do the same thing ALL the time). I also identify myself strongly, if not primarily, as a mother. I know this may not resonate well with some feminist ideologies (mine being if feminism is limiting it does not help women *sidenote* me = proud feminist) but I am a mother. Always.

One of the more profound differences in my everyday life is at work. I work in a child psych ward. I have worked in this field for years and always maintained both empathy for clients and professional boundaries. I never got too caught up in case histories or too personal. Now in every face is my child. And every child I see as "somebody's baby" which is a much different perspective than "client." I often find myself having to run to the bathroom and change out my breast pads after reading a chart because my body literally wants to nurse these ailing children. At work I am an educated professional, that is the role I play. But I am never not a mother.

I have often likened having a baby to having my whole world turned upside down and shaken out, discarding all of the unnecessary and leaving me with only the important things. Which took out a lot of things. A lot.

It's as if a whole profound shift in thinking, in being occurred as that tiny baby emerged. Instantly. And here I'd been searching in books, travel and conversation for an epiphany like that for years. I'd never want to go back. It's been a blessing.

Other things have changed that are not of any importance really. But they've changed. And I noticed. They are as follows:

My breasts used to be. I stopped there searching for the best word and discovered the sentence stood alone.
They are now filled and then nearly emptied of milk on a regular basis.
When I "got them out" before it meant something all together different from "dinnertime"
And they may never look the same.

As a non-skinny type chick my breasts and my booty have always been points of pride as far as my body goes. I'm reluctantly noticing and diligently fighting off the appearance of the dreaded flat "mom ass." I noticed recently that my pants are falling off me. This is due, in part, to an effort to lose some baby weight. It is also due to the gradual flattening of my booty. I am doing crazy butt exercises. This is a battle I refuse to lose.

I have lost all touch with pop culture. I used to at least know what was on the top 40 charts, if only to scoff at them and prefer carefully considered "old school" or random music. The same goes for clothing. I find myself staring at people when I'm out and about, wondering if what they are wearing is in fashion. I have no idea.

I cannot drink. Not really. Not like I used to.
And I used to be a light weight.

My stomach features light purple lines that look like I may have been attacked by some kind of animal. I realize this will not change my wardrobe as I wasn't wearing midriff revealing tops before I got pregnant, but it is, nonetheless, a change.

I have no idea what I was doing with all of the time I must have had on my hands before I had a baby.

I just polished off too much "wine with dinner" and it's time to retire.
More soon, Mama