identity

There are a lot of things it seems that I "used to be" and want for the future. Social worker, future sexologist, dancing queen, activist etc. I used to spend a lot of time and energy getting ready for things. To go out, to chase a dream career, always getting ready always anticipating something and never knowing what was around each covner. Now I can tell you exactly what I'll be doing hour by hour everyday. Things have changed.

I had a conversation about such things with a good friend recently who is in grad school and doesnt have kids. She made a comment that that is why she doesn't want to have kids bc the woman loses her identity. I know she didn't mean to offend and she didn't. But I have spend some time thinking about this. I stil consider the future. I don't know what I want to do for a career. I no longer strongly identify myself as many things I used to.

I am "Mama."

I wake up everyday to a darling child who cannot wait for me to pick her up and lay on my chest for our morning cuddle. I play peek a boo, and hide and seek. I watch her squeel and giggle at everything I do. We dance. A lot.

Since her birth I have thought a lot about what I want to do for a career, if I can still be social worker, if it will afford me to stay home as much as possible. I've considered nursing school, personal training, starting a non profit... at the end of the day "Mama" is who I am and who I want to be. Mama has a strong interest in sexology, a passion for social justice and loves to dance. Mama doesn't have much time or need to spend getting ready for anything. Lola doesn't even require I get dressed everyday.

My identity doesn't seem to have dissipated but rather evolved. It has much deeper meaning and purpose than ever before. I am raising my child. We made her from scratch. We are keeping her safe and happy. I don't have a dream house, exotic vacations or a budding "career." But what I do have is a full life. I wake up everyday grateful for another day with my family. I take pride in making a home. I think if I'm 27 and can say my family is happy and healthy and my job is to do my part in keeping things that way, I'm good. I'm better than good. I'm "Mama."


So I have I lost something? I'm not sure that is something I can answer today. But I know I won't be on my death bed wishing I had been making more money or having a more "distinguished" title.

In the end we all have to make our own choices. I think our identity is reflected in our daily choices. How we spend our days and nights. What we make a priority. In this way Mama is an identity I choose readily and joyously. I know I could go to night school or I could have stayed in my good full time job and found a good day care provider, but there is nothing more important to me than my family. I love having dinner ready when Papa comes home. Not in spite of my feminist ideals but because of them. Because we are building something. Because we are living richly. Because I can honestly say my every action is working toward furthering theirs and my happiness. Today is all there is. Today I built a fort with Lola and we're finding a halloween costume. Today we dance.

I don't know if this is something I could have understood until now. And I don't think this is something for everyone. My life is not for everyone. But for me and my little family, this is peace. Thats all I could hope for.